Games, sports, classroom activities, and friendly competitions can provide children with opportunities to have fun, interact with others, practice new skills, and build relationships. They also introduce an important reality: sometimes a child wins, and sometimes they do not.
Handling either outcome appropriately is a skill.
Losing can bring disappointment, frustration, or anger. Winning can create excitement, but children also need to learn how to celebrate without teasing, boasting excessively, or making another person feel bad. For some children with autism or other developmental differences, understanding these social and emotional expectations may require more direct teaching and practice.
Applied Behaviour Analysis, commonly known as ABA therapy, can help children develop practical skills for participating in games and competitive activities. Through modeling, functional communication, gradual practice, visual supports, positive reinforcement, role play, and emotional regulation strategies, children can learn what to do when an activity does not end the way they hoped.
The objective is not to teach children that they should never feel disappointed after losing or excited after winning. Both emotions are natural. Instead, ABA therapy can help children recognize those feelings, communicate them appropriately, recover from difficult outcomes, and continue participating in enjoyable activities.
These skills can contribute to friendships, sports participation, classroom experiences, family activities, resilience, and confidence.
Why Winning and Losing Can Be Difficult
Winning and losing involve more than understanding the rules of a game.
Children may need to manage anticipation, wait for turns, respond to other players, cope with mistakes, tolerate uncertainty, and accept an outcome they cannot completely control.
A child may become upset because they worked hard and still lost. Another may expect to win because they have won the same game previously. Some children may have difficulty understanding that chance affects the outcome of certain games.
Others may become highly excited after winning and not recognize how their celebration affects another person.
These situations involve emotional regulation, flexible thinking, communication, perspective taking, and social skills.
Breaking these abilities into smaller teachable components can make competitive situations easier to navigate.
Understanding That Games Have Different Outcomes
One foundational concept is that games can end in different ways.
Before beginning an activity, children can learn that:
- They might win.
- Another person might win.
- A game might end in a tie.
- Some activities may not have a winner at all.
This information can be introduced calmly before the activity rather than waiting until the child has already experienced disappointment.
Simple language may be useful:
“We don’t know who will win yet.”
“Everyone gets a chance.”
“We can enjoy playing even if someone else wins.”
Over time, children can develop a more realistic understanding that participating does not guarantee a particular outcome.
Teaching the Difference Between Feelings and Actions
Children should know that feeling disappointed is not the same as behaving in a harmful or disrespectful way.
A child can feel frustrated after losing.
They can say:
“I’m disappointed.”
“I wanted to win.”
“That was frustrating.”
What they may need additional teaching around is what to do with that emotion.
ABA therapy can help distinguish between an understandable feeling and an appropriate behavioural response.
For example, disappointment may be acceptable, while throwing game pieces at another person is not.
This distinction allows children to experience genuine emotions without being taught that those emotions themselves are wrong.
Teaching Children How to Lose Appropriately
“Lose nicely” can be too vague to be useful.
Instead, adults can teach specific actions.
Depending on the child’s abilities, losing appropriately might involve:
- Recognizing that the activity has ended.
- Keeping game materials safe.
- Communicating disappointment appropriately if necessary.
- Acknowledging the other participant.
- Deciding whether to play again or take an appropriate break.
Children do not necessarily need to smile or pretend they enjoyed losing.
The important goal is developing a response that allows the interaction to end safely and respectfully.
Teaching Functional Communication After Losing
Communication can provide children with alternatives to yelling, throwing objects, leaving unsafely, or arguing indefinitely about an outcome.
Useful phrases may include:
“Good game.”
“I’m disappointed.”
“Can we play again?”
“I need a break.”
“I don’t want another round.”
“That was hard for me.”
For children who communicate using gestures, pictures, signs, or communication devices, equivalent options should be available.
The goal is functional expression rather than requiring one particular phrase.
Teaching Children How to Win Respectfully
Winning also requires social skills.
A child may become so excited that they repeatedly announce their victory, laugh at the other player, or make comments about the other person’s performance.
ABA therapy can help children learn appropriate ways to celebrate.
A child might say:
“I won!”
“That was fun.”
“Good game.”
They can enjoy their success without turning the celebration into criticism of another person.
Teaching respectful winning helps children understand that their own happiness and another person’s feelings can both matter.
Avoiding Forced Emotional Responses
Children should not be required to pretend they feel something they do not.
A child who loses a game may not genuinely feel happy for the winner immediately.
Requiring a large smile and enthusiastic congratulations may focus more on appearance than meaningful emotional development.
Instead, the child can learn a simple respectful response.
“Good game” may be enough.
If the child needs a short break afterward, that can also be appropriate.
The goal is respectful behaviour while allowing authentic emotions.
Modeling Winning and Losing
Adults can demonstrate how to respond to both outcomes.
Suppose a parent loses a family game.
They might say:
“I wanted to win, but you got it this time. Good game.”
Another time, the adult might win and say:
“That was close. I enjoyed playing with you.”
Modeling allows children to observe that winning and losing are ordinary parts of games.
Adults can also demonstrate manageable disappointment.
For example:
“I’m a little disappointed that I lost, but that’s okay. Maybe I’ll try again next time.”
This shows that disappointment can exist without ruining the entire activity.
Using Role Play Before Real Competition
Role play can provide valuable practice without the emotional intensity of a real game.
A therapist or caregiver might present a scenario:
“You played a game and your friend won. What could you say?”
Or:
“You won, but your friend looks disappointed. What could you do?”
Children can practice several possible responses.
Role play can also include asking for a break, handling a disputed result, responding to a mistake, or deciding whether to play another round.
Repeated practice can make appropriate responses easier to access when real emotions are involved.
Starting With Low Pressure Activities
A highly competitive game may not be the best place to begin teaching these skills.
Children can initially practice with short, predictable activities where the emotional stakes are relatively low.
The objective is to create achievable opportunities to experience different outcomes.
As children become more comfortable, practice can gradually extend to longer games, preferred activities, group situations, and other environments.
This progression should be individualized.
Deliberately creating repeated upsetting losses is unnecessary and may make games less enjoyable.
Using Predictable Practice
When a child is first learning, adults can structure activities so different outcomes are experienced in a manageable way.
The child can practice what happens when they win, when someone else wins, or when a game ends unexpectedly.
The purpose is not to manipulate the child into losing repeatedly.
It is to ensure that teaching covers multiple possible outcomes instead of practicing only when the child happens to lose naturally.
Reinforcing Appropriate Responses
Positive reinforcement can strengthen useful behaviours during games.
Adults might recognize when a child:
- Accepts the result
- Keeps materials safe
- Uses appropriate communication
- Asks for a break
- Congratulates another player
- Celebrates respectfully
- Returns to an activity after disappointment
Specific feedback is particularly helpful.
For example:
“You were disappointed when you lost, but you told us how you felt and kept the game pieces on the table.”
This identifies exactly what the child handled successfully.
Reinforcing Effort Rather Than Only Winning
If children receive attention primarily when they win, victory can become the main measure of whether an activity was successful.
Adults can broaden what receives recognition.
They can acknowledge:
- Trying a new strategy
- Waiting for a turn
- Following the rules
- Staying engaged
- Improving a skill
- Solving a problem
- Encouraging another player
- Finishing the activity
A child can then experience success even when they are not the winner.
This helps shift attention from outcome alone toward participation, learning, and effort.
Teaching Children to Recognize Disappointment
Some children may benefit from learning to identify the early signs of frustration.
They might notice that their body feels tense, they want to quit suddenly, they begin arguing about the rules, or they feel an urge to push materials away.
Recognizing these signs can create an opportunity to use a strategy before frustration becomes more intense.
The child may learn:
“I’m getting frustrated.”
“I need a minute.”
“Can you explain the rule?”
This connects emotional awareness with practical action.
Developing Regulation Strategies for Games
Children can practice regulation strategies that are appropriate for competitive situations.
Depending on the child, strategies might include:
- Taking a brief break
- Using calming breathing
- Getting a drink of water
- Moving to a quieter area
- Communicating disappointment
- Asking for clarification
- Choosing not to play another round
Strategies should be taught and practiced before they are urgently needed.
When children already know what options are available, they may be better prepared to use them during a difficult moment.
Teaching Children to Take a Break Appropriately
Leaving an activity is not always a problem.
Sometimes taking a break is a responsible choice.
Children can learn to communicate:
“I need a break.”
They can then move to an appropriate location and return when ready if returning is expected and appropriate.
This is different from overturning the game, running away unsafely, or disrupting the activity for everyone else.
Teaching an appropriate exit strategy can give children more control over difficult emotions.
Understanding That Taking a Break Is Not Failure
Adults should be careful not to treat every break request as avoidance that must be prevented.
A child who recognizes that frustration is increasing and independently asks for a short break may be demonstrating meaningful self awareness.
Over time, the child may need fewer breaks or recover more quickly.
The objective should be improved regulation and participation, not forcing a child to remain in every competitive situation regardless of distress.
Teaching Flexible Thinking
Games frequently involve unpredictable outcomes.
A child can make the best possible move and still lose. Another player may unexpectedly perform better. Chance may determine what happens.
ABA strategies can help children develop more flexible ways of thinking.
Instead of:
“If I don’t win, the game was terrible.”
Children can gradually learn ideas such as:
“I wanted to win, but I can try again.”
“I can have fun even when someone else wins.”
“I learned something that might help next time.”
These ideas should not be used to dismiss genuine disappointment. They provide alternative ways to interpret the experience.
Teaching That Mistakes Are Part of Games
Children may become frustrated not only by losing but by making mistakes.
They may choose the wrong move, miss a shot, forget a rule, or answer incorrectly.
Adults can normalize mistakes.
A therapist or parent can model making a mistake and responding calmly:
“I made the wrong move. I’ll try something different next time.”
This demonstrates that a mistake does not require abandoning the activity.
Children can gradually learn to recover and continue.
Teaching Children to Handle Close Games
A close result can sometimes be particularly difficult.
The child may feel that they “almost” won and become focused on what could have happened differently.
ABA therapy can help children practice acknowledging the final result even when the difference was small.
They can also learn to identify what they did well without changing the outcome.
For example:
“I almost got it. I played really well.”
This allows the child to recognize effort while accepting what happened.
Responding to Disagreements About Rules
Sometimes frustration comes from uncertainty rather than losing itself.
A child may believe another person did not follow the rules or may genuinely misunderstand what happened.
Children can learn appropriate ways to handle disagreements.
They might say:
“I thought the rule was different.”
“Can we check the rules?”
“Can you explain what happened?”
An adult can help clarify the situation when necessary.
This teaches children that questioning a result appropriately is different from automatically refusing to accept any outcome they dislike.
Teaching Fair Play
Handling winning and losing is closely connected to fair play.
Children can learn that games have agreed expectations and that everyone participating should follow them.
This can involve:
- Waiting for turns
- Using materials appropriately
- Following agreed rules
- Avoiding changing rules only to gain an advantage
- Allowing other players opportunities to participate
- Accepting legitimate results
Fair play helps make activities enjoyable for everyone.
Understanding Chance
Some games depend partly or entirely on chance.
Young children may not understand why effort cannot guarantee victory.
ABA teaching can introduce the concept in simple ways.
For example:
“Sometimes the card you get is lucky, and sometimes it isn’t.”
This can help children understand that losing does not always mean they performed poorly.
Similarly, winning does not necessarily mean another person did something wrong.
Understanding chance can reduce some of the personal meaning children attach to outcomes.
Developing Perspective Taking
Competitive activities can provide natural opportunities to consider other people’s experiences.
After winning, a child might be asked:
“How do you think the other player might feel?”
After losing:
“Have you ever won when someone else was disappointed?”
These conversations can help children understand that different people can experience the same event differently.
Perspective taking should be taught thoughtfully rather than expecting children to guess emotions perfectly based on facial expressions alone.
Direct communication from other people should also be respected.
Avoiding Teasing and Taunting
Children may need explicit teaching about the difference between celebrating and putting another person down.
Appropriate celebration might include:
“I did it!”
Inappropriate comments might involve insulting another player’s ability or repeatedly emphasizing their loss.
Rather than simply saying “don’t brag,” adults can teach specific alternatives.
For example:
“You can say you’re excited about winning without saying something negative about the other player.”
Concrete guidance is easier to use than vague social criticism.
Learning to Receive Compliments After Winning
Children can also practice how to respond when someone congratulates them.
A simple:
“Thank you.”
may be enough.
They do not need to minimize their success or pretend that winning does not matter.
The goal is learning that confidence and respect can exist together.
Supporting Sibling Games
Games between siblings can become emotionally intense because children know each other well and may compete frequently.
Families can establish clear expectations before beginning.
For example:
Everyone follows the same rules.
Anyone can appropriately request a break.
Game materials stay safe.
No insulting other players.
The result is accepted once it is clear.
Parents can intervene when necessary while avoiding automatically solving every minor disagreement.
With practice, siblings can develop stronger skills for managing competition together.
Supporting Competitive Activities at School
School introduces many situations where children compare performance.
There may be classroom games, quizzes, physical education, team activities, or playground competitions.
Children can practice transferring the same strategies used at home or in therapy.
They may learn to:
- Follow agreed rules
- Wait for turns
- Manage disappointment
- Encourage teammates
- Respond respectfully to results
- Ask a teacher for clarification
- Take an appropriate break when available
These skills can make group participation more manageable.
Team Sports and ABA Skills
Team sports introduce additional challenges because the outcome depends on multiple people.
A child may need to cope with a teammate making a mistake or another team performing better.
They can learn that responsibility for an outcome is shared and that blaming individual teammates can damage relationships.
ABA strategies can support behaviours such as encouraging teammates, responding appropriately to mistakes, following coaching instructions, and returning attention to the next part of the activity.
The focus can remain on participation and skill development rather than treating every competition as a test of personal worth.
Learning From Losses
Once emotions have settled, losing can provide an opportunity for reflection.
A child might consider:
“What went well?”
“What was difficult?”
“What could I try differently next time?”
Not every loss requires detailed analysis. Games should remain enjoyable.
However, occasional reflection can help children understand that an unwanted outcome may still provide useful information.
This supports problem solving and resilience.
Learning From Winning
Winning can also provide opportunities for reflection.
Children can think about what helped them succeed without assuming victory proves they will always win.
They might recognize:
“I practiced that skill.”
“I remembered the strategy.”
“I stayed focused.”
They can also understand that the next game may have a different result.
This encourages confidence without creating unrealistic expectations.
Avoiding Letting the Child Win Every Time
Adults may sometimes intentionally allow a child to win because they want to prevent frustration.
Occasional adjustments during early teaching may be appropriate, but if a child always wins, they have limited opportunities to practice managing other outcomes.
Instead, children can gradually experience natural variations in results within supportive situations.
The difficulty should be appropriate.
The objective is not to intentionally frustrate the child. It is to provide manageable experiences where coping skills can develop.
Avoiding Intentionally Making Children Lose Repeatedly
The opposite approach can also be unhelpful.
Repeatedly arranging losses to “teach a lesson” can make games aversive and damage trust.
Practice should remain balanced and meaningful.
Children need opportunities to experience winning, losing, improvement, uncertainty, cooperation, and enjoyment.
The quality of the learning experience matters more than creating a particular result.
Introducing Cooperative Games
Not every game needs a single winner.
Cooperative activities can teach children to work toward a shared goal.
Players might solve a puzzle together, complete a building challenge, or participate in a game where everyone works against a shared obstacle.
These activities can help children experience play without constant competition.
They can also develop communication, teamwork, turn taking, and joint problem solving.
A healthy range of activities can include both competitive and cooperative experiences.
Generalizing Skills Across Different Games
A child may learn to lose appropriately during one familiar board game but struggle during a favourite sport.
This is normal because emotional intensity varies across activities.
Generalization can occur gradually across:
- Board games
- Card games
- Classroom activities
- Video games
- Sports
- Family games
- Playground activities
- Recreational programs
Children may need different levels of support depending on how important a particular activity feels to them.
Respecting a Child’s Choice Not to Compete
Not every child enjoys competition.
Learning how to handle winning and losing does not mean children should be required to participate in competitive activities constantly.
When appropriate, children can have opportunities to choose cooperative or noncompetitive activities.
The important goal is having the skills needed to navigate competition when it naturally occurs, not turning every experience into a contest.
The Role of Parents and Caregivers
Parents can help children develop healthy responses to winning and losing through everyday modeling.
Adults can show that they can lose without becoming hostile and win without humiliating someone else.
Families can also focus conversations on more than the final score.
Instead of always asking:
“Did you win?”
Parents might ask:
“Did you have fun?”
“What was your favourite part?”
“What did you learn?”
“What did you do really well?”
This communicates that an activity can have value regardless of who finished first.
Measuring Meaningful Progress
Progress should not be defined as a child becoming completely indifferent to winning or losing.
A child can care deeply about an outcome and still develop stronger coping skills.
Meaningful improvements might include:
- Remaining safe after losing
- Communicating disappointment
- Requesting a break
- Recovering more quickly
- Accepting legitimate results
- Continuing to participate
- Congratulating another player
- Celebrating without insulting others
- Handling mistakes with less frustration
- Returning to an activity after a difficult outcome
These changes demonstrate practical emotional and social development.
Celebrating Small Improvements
A child who previously abandoned every game after losing may stay until the activity ends.
Another may say, “I’m disappointed,” instead of throwing materials.
Someone who previously teased others after winning may begin saying, “Good game.”
These can be significant achievements.
Recognizing them helps children understand exactly what they are learning to do differently.
Progress often occurs gradually, particularly when competitive situations create strong emotions.
How These Skills Support Resilience
Learning to manage winning and losing can contribute to a broader ability to handle outcomes that are not completely under one’s control.
Life includes:
- Mistakes
- Delays
- Disappointment
- Rejection
- Unexpected results
- Success
- Failure
- Second attempts
Games provide relatively structured opportunities to encounter some of these experiences.
Children can gradually learn that disappointment can be temporary and that one unwanted outcome does not determine what happens next.
This understanding can support resilience beyond games.
Building Confidence Without Depending on Victory
Children benefit from developing confidence that is not entirely dependent on winning.
Confidence can come from:
- Trying something challenging
- Improving a skill
- Completing an activity
- Using a good strategy
- Managing frustration
- Being a supportive teammate
- Practicing consistently
- Trying again after a mistake
When children recognize these forms of success, losing does not automatically mean the entire experience was a failure.
Similarly, winning can be enjoyed without becoming the only reason to participate.
Final Thoughts
Learning how to win and lose appropriately is an important part of social and emotional development. Competitive activities involve excitement, uncertainty, disappointment, patience, communication, flexible thinking, and interaction with other people.
ABA therapy can help children navigate these experiences by breaking broad expectations such as “be a good sport” into practical behaviours they can understand and practice.
Children can learn how to communicate disappointment, ask for breaks, accept legitimate results, manage mistakes, celebrate respectfully, follow agreed rules, and return to activities after difficult moments. Modeling, role play, gradual exposure to different outcomes, positive reinforcement, functional communication, and emotional regulation strategies can all contribute to this development.
The goal should never be to eliminate disappointment or require children to pretend they are happy about losing. Nor should children be taught that excitement about winning is wrong. Instead, they can learn that feelings and actions are different. They are allowed to experience strong emotions while developing appropriate ways to communicate and manage them.
Progress may begin with a child staying at the table after losing instead of pushing the game away. Another child may independently say, “I need a break.” Someone else may win enthusiastically while remembering not to tease the other players.
These moments represent more than improved game behaviour. They reflect growing emotional awareness, communication, flexibility, self control, perspective taking, and resilience.
Through individualized ABA support and positive practice in everyday games and activities, children can learn that winning can be celebrated, losing can be managed, mistakes can be learned from, and participation can remain meaningful regardless of the final result.
